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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27679598">Memories of the Past</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookstorelesbian/pseuds/bookstorelesbian'>bookstorelesbian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, But Nothing Too Bad, Dissociation, Family Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Molestation, Non-Consensual Touching, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-Linear Narrative, the author projects onto innocent characters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:49:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27679598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookstorelesbian/pseuds/bookstorelesbian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An examination of past memories and recovery.  Trigger Warning for sexual abuse, please read the tags</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves &amp; Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Memories of the Past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic is going to go pretty deeply into an examination of childhood sexual abuse, nothing is graphic or specific at all, but please please be careful with yourself.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had been thinking about it a lot.  It was weird.  He hadn’t thought about it in years.  Maybe that was on purpose.  Maybe it was an accident.  He didn’t think he could have remembered it if he had tried.</p><p>It came up in small ways.  When his brother towered over him, someone he trusted completely, someone he knew would never hurt him.  When Allison made a joke and he laughed out loud, but his stomach turned.  When Luther grinned widely for the first time in a long time and bumped his shoulder.</p><p>He thought about it.</p><p>It wasn’t like he wanted to.  No one wanted to.  He had been perfectly happy not thinking.</p><p>Well maybe not happy, but at least his life had been in such constant crisis he hadn’t needed to confront this thing.  This stupid, stupid thing that sat in the back of his mind dormant, that made his skin itch until he shook like a ragdoll, that made him smile quietly when Vanya spoke.</p><p>He thought about that tiny tiny thing, the thing that had messed him up just enough to shake in the bathroom when Diego jumped out from behind him.  He just sat, and thought, and shook, and went about his day with a beating heart and tapping fingers.</p><p>It wasn’t like there were any true side effects.  It just sat on his mind, barely making an impact on his day to day life, but poisoning each interaction until he would rather not speak to anyone at all.  </p><p>Having Ben made that difficult.  Having his family made that difficult.</p><p>He almost blamed them for the bad thoughts.  On the streets he didn’t need to sit down and think, he could get high, he could fuck around, he could piss Ben off and deal with loving yet annoyed stares.  </p><p>It wasn’t quiet there because there were other people yelling at him, ghosts, humans, animals, creatures in his mind that he couldn’t place as real or imaginary.</p><p>But here, in this domestic happy life with his sisters and brothers, there wasn’t anything else to do.  There were no screams to drown out his mind.  There was no running from cops to occupy his body.  There were no pills to pop to go away for a second.  He just got to think.</p><p>Thinking was supposed to be good.  It was good, but only for a second.  Only until he got away from all the good thoughts, all the knitting with Vanya and cooking with his mom and laughing with Diego and dance parties late at night when no one could tell them to go to bed.  Because those thoughts made him happy.  And happy leaves room for more.</p><p>It was all he ever used to want.  It still was all he wanted.  But now it was all tainted.  This house was tainted, his life was tainted, his body was tainted.  This stupid, domestic world he was living in felt fake and one step out of reach, his mind just disconnected enough to make the world feel fake.</p><p>----</p><p>He knew that his family worried.  </p><p>Vanya spoke softly to him.  She had always been that way, but now without the pills it was even more.  She was so much, and it was so nice.  He loved her.  Someone small, someone kind, someone to be open about caring for him and not speak cruel words.  Someone to be his equal and need caring for too, someone who needed to be spoken to kindly and felt out of control in their own, quiet way too.  </p><p>He knew that she worried.</p><p>Diego was odd, but he was Diego.  He was protective, and got in Luther’s face if he said a word.  He spoke gruffly and had this intensity in his eyes that Klaus never really understood, but it wasn’t cruel.  He touched Klaus’s arm when he started to drift off, and made him remember that he was real.  He wasn't sure if Diego knew he was helping.  He loved him either way.  It was different from the way he was around the others.  </p><p>He knew that he worried.</p><p>Ben knew something was up because of course Ben knew something was up.  They were together every second.  Ben knew everything about him.  But Ben didn’t know this, because Klaus didn’t remember this until now and there was no way he was going to tell Ben about something so far in the past he could hardly remember.  But Ben still pried in that annoying, caring way that he did, and Klaus took it.  </p><p>He knew that he worried.</p><p>Allison was a mom and it showed.  It was a good look for her.  He could see the way she glanced back over at him when he stared at his plate during meals, the way she watched him carefully as he joked around and stole her things.  It was almost unnerving.  </p><p>He knew that she worried.</p><p>He didn’t think that Five could tell there was a difference.  All he knew was that Five was gruff and crass and acted pissed off all the time, but still put extra food on his plate and called him too skinny.  He jumped into the room right next to Klaus once, saw the look in his eyes, and then started jumping into the other side of the room instead.  Five was annoyingly wise even though he looked 13.  </p><p>He knew that he worried.</p><p>Luther didn’t notice anything.  Luther was Luther.  It was a comfort that some things never changed.</p><p>-----</p><p>It wasn’t one of those dramatic reveals, like something out of a book or tv show.  There wasn’t shaking and crying and his family hugging him and the world falling apart.  It came back watching a movie, seeing a scene, and then all of a sudden the memories were there, a forgotten skin.</p><p>A missing piece of a puzzle that suddenly made everything make a lot more sense, but formed an ugly picture.  He finally understood what he was making, but he missed when it seemed nice.  When he didn’t know that the person he was forming was set to be sad and not quite right.</p><p>His happy little life didn’t stop for his memories.  He didn’t stop helping his mom make pancakes in the morning, and he didn't start eating enough of them for breakfast.  He didn’t stop joking around and flaunting and being a total dick, and he didn’t stop feeling it all.</p><p>There was just an awareness.  This is something about you.  This is something on your mind.  This is something to taint your every move and thought and make you miss the streets.</p><p>He laid on his bed at night, not going to sleep.  He didn’t curl up and cry, he didn’t sob over a notebook.  He just lied there and tried to remember that he existed.</p><p>-----</p><p>That was the hardest part.  Remembering he existed.  He felt himself pop in and out of existence.  He knew that he couldn’t put that up to remembering, because that was a forever thing.  But still.  He wanted to remember he existed.</p><p>He made a cup of hot chocolate and watched an episode of Criminal Minds.  </p><p>They talked about rape.  </p><p>He scrolled down the episode titles until he found another, where they talked about it again.</p><p>It was stupid because that wasn’t him.</p><p>He sipped his hot chocolate, and his body tingled with warmth and sugar.</p><p>The agents were on the case and people ran around and cried and got shot at.</p><p>He took another sip.</p><p>He wondered what the fuck was wrong with him.</p><p>-----</p><p>He didn’t want to talk about that night.</p><p>This wasn’t a flashback episode, this wasn't a moment he could beautifully examine and articulate and have it all make sense.</p><p>He barely remembered it at all.</p><p>He remembered being scared.  He remembered being really scared.</p><p>He remembered other things too.</p><p>But not enough.  Not enough to go cry to his sister.  Not enough to establish a narrative and therapize it all and to call it trauma and deal with it.</p><p>Fear wasn’t enough of a base to go off of.</p><p>-----</p><p>The silence was deafening.  Ben looked at him as he rubbed his hands together in his bedroom.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Ben’s voice was quiet and low.  He wanted to laugh it off, but he couldn’t find his voice.  He just nodded minutely.</p><p>“Klaus.”</p><p>Hearing his name brought him back into existence.  He sometimes wished that he could just fade away into obscurity, but Ben had to bring him back into the world of the living.</p><p>Ironic considering he was dead.</p><p>Klaus made a joke that he couldn’t have recalled if he tried, and Ben laughed and dropped it, but the worry didn’t leave his eyes.  The two of them sat together quietly.  Klaus painted his nails.  Ben read his book, and they pretended that they weren’t constantly catching eachothers eyes.</p><p>-----</p><p>“Dad locked me in the mausoleum as a kid.”</p><p>Diego looked up from his notebook in shock.  Klaus kept on knitting.</p><p>“Other stuff happened too.”</p><p>Diego was watching him closely.  “Oh.”</p><p>He could tell that his brother was waiting for more.  Klaus didn’t give him anything else.  He put down his knitting.</p><p>“I love you.”  Diego said, almost inaudibly.</p><p>He sounded almost embarrassed to say it.  It made sense.  They were stupid, emotionally stunted kids, terrified to show their emotions.  Klaus didn’t say I love you back, but he knew that Diego got it.  He knew that all of his siblings knew.</p><p>“I was really young.”  </p><p>He was really young.  But not young enough to have an excuse.  He was old enough to know better.  Old enough to defend himself.  But maybe no one ever was.</p><p>Diego just watched.  His hand hovered, like he wanted to put it on Klaus’s leg comfortingly, but was too afraid to.  Klaus gave a minute nod of permission, and the contact made him breathe deeper.</p><p>He let out a little breathy laugh that was more of a squeak then anything else.  “I’m kind of fucked up Di.”</p><p>Diego looked at him, his eyes still as intense as always, but this time intense with love.  He was glad that his brother looked at him that way.  He was glad that Ben was in the living room with star wars playing.  He was glad that they were all together again.</p><p>“Me too.”  Diego said quietly, and it wasn’t the same but he understood anyway.  He wondered if anything else had happened to the others.  He thought of little Vanya.  Suddenly he wanted to cry.</p><p>He leaned against Diego.  He could feel him breathe in and out.  His brother put his arm around him hesitantly, and Klaus tried not to shake at the contact.  It was nice.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>-----</p><p>It was all very confusing.  He loved his family and he wanted to talk to them about it.  He knew they would be supportive.  He knew that they would care and help him.</p><p>But he couldn’t look them in the eye.  He couldn’t deal with the way he would become even more glass than before.  He couldn’t let them see it.</p><p>Diego was kind to him.  He was glad that he knew.  Luther was still an ass.  He was glad that that stayed the same too.</p><p>-----</p><p>He wasn’t that young.  He was old enough to be an adult, to kill people, to lose his family.</p><p>He wasn’t old enough to understand.  He wasn’t old enough to take a step back.  He wasn’t old enough to be on his own.</p><p>Adults were supposed to protect him.  He didn’t understand why there wasn’t anyone there to protect him.</p><p>Sometimes he hated Pogo.  He was the closest thing they had to an adult.  He clearly didn’t give a fuck about them.  </p><p>God he was just a kid.</p><p>He sometimes felt like he was still a little kid.</p><p>-----</p><p>He told Diego everything.  </p><p>They sat on the couch and he lied down and talked and talked, the words spilling out faster and faster until he felt like he couldn’t control it anymore.</p><p>He cried.  Diego held onto him.  He kept talking.  Diego didn’t let go.</p><p>“I was so scared,”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It isn’t fair.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I don’t know what to do Diego.”</p><p>“Neither do I Klaus.”</p><p>He didn’t know if Diego was crying.  He wasn’t sure if he was either.</p><p>Impractical Jokers played in the background.  Someone was laughing like they had heard the funniest joke in the world.  Klaus had the strange urge to join in.</p><p>-----</p><p>Ben was his friend.  His best friend.  The person that knew everything about him, the person that was there for him when no one else was, the person that he relied on to get him to tie his shoes.  Ben was everything.</p><p>That made telling him that much harder.</p><p>Of course he did.  They were friends.  That didn’t mean it didn’t suck.</p><p>He needed Ben to know.  It wasn’t like with Diego, where he just needed to spill it all out.  It wasn’t like any imagined scenario, any fake confession, and heartfelt dream.</p><p>It was him and Ben.</p><p>Ben touched his hand.  He said his name.  He was hesitant and quiet and a little scared but still so undeniably Ben that it made him want to cry.  He loved his brother.</p><p>He chided him to eat his dinner.  Klaus cracked a smile.  Ben looked at him with softness in his eyes.  He could tell that he was still worried.</p><p>-----</p><p>It didn't go away.  </p><p>The badness didn’t fade into the background like he thought it would.  There were moments of reprise, moments of unrestrained happiness, moments where it was like before.  And now there were people with waiting arms, people with a cup of hot chocolate and silent support sitting on the outside of the room.</p><p>He ate a spring roll.  It burned his mouth.  He was eating so slowly that it felt like he was in a slow motion film.  </p><p>Ben watched him carefully.  He tried to remember that this was really happening.</p><p>He was grown up and real.</p><p>That didn’t change the fact that he felt like a little kid still.  That his own body made him squirm, that the touch of his own fingers on his skin made him shiver.</p><p>There was no safety in anyone's arms.  There was no danger either.  There was no nothing.  </p><p>He had another bite of his lunch.  Ben asked him if he wanted to watch Schitt's Creek.  Ben knew him really fucking well.</p><p>He existed, but it didn’t go away.</p><p>-----</p><p>Things got better in time.</p><p>He quietly confessed to Vanya, who was gentle and protective, tough and kind.  He overheard hard words and a crash from the kitchen afterwards.  Diego touched his arm.  Vanya came back and rested her head on his shoulder.</p><p>She was so much more off of the pills.  He was so glad that she was herself.</p><p>Allison was nice to him.  She was such a mom.  He hoped that she would get custody of Claire back someday.</p><p>Five was an asshole.  As always.  He never got a confession.  He didn’t really need one.  FIve knew everything.  He still pushed food towards him at the dinner table.</p><p>Luther was Luther.  </p><p>He tried to pretend that his huge muscles didn’t scare the shit out of him.  He knew that Luther was a gentle giant.  He also knew that he would never let his guard down around Luther.</p><p>It wasn’t like he let his guard down anyway.</p><p>-----</p><p>He loved his family.</p><p>Having a good family didn’t make everything go away.  Having support didn’t make all the wrongness disappear, didn’t make the terror flowing through his veins stop, didn’t make the shaking of his hands as he chopped vegetables.</p><p>It didn’t change everything.  It didn’t change the past.  Nothing could.  Not even Five’s time travel bullshit that Klaus knew he had no hope of understanding.  </p><p>But it was better.  It was okay.</p><p>He was okay.</p><p>He remembered but it was okay.</p><p>It was his life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, this one was kind of a doozy.  I didn't proofread it too well, so let me know if there are any glaring mistakes and I'll go back and fix them.</p><p>I put a lot of my self into this one, and it's pretty much just a vent fic that I wrote while I was pretty upset and introspective.  This is obviously a super complicated issue, so I am only speaking to my own experiences and not trying to cover all bases.  I hope I was able to do it just a little bit of justice.</p><p>And to anyone struggling, seriously do not hesitate to reach out.  My inbox is always open.  My tumblr is also amillionstars if you're more comfortable there. Talk to family, friends, a therapist, or an adult that you feel comfortable with.  I hope that all of you are doing okay, I love you all and thank you for reading</p></blockquote></div></div>
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